last weekend we bought our friend Jay for his birthday the new Johnathan Stewart America textbook. it was on sale at borders and we didn't want to spend a lot of money. also it was funny.

today on Amazon I found excerpts of an interview he did which nearly made me pee pee...

for your reading pleasure:

Amazon.com: How important is this presidential election in the larger context of the Republic and its history?

Jon Stewart: Kinda.

Amazon.com: Is there one standout issue, and why does it make a difference? What are the most crucial issues?

Stewart: The precise details as to what level of heroism John Kerry exhibited in Vietnam should be the only issue determining the outcome of this election. Were his actions truly noble? Or merely valiant?

Amazon.com: What are the top five books you'd recommend to become an informed voter? And what can your new book contribute?

Stewart: One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon. Warmed by Love by Leonard Nimoy. The Magic Mountain by Thomas Mann. Finnegans Wake by James Joyce. These form the core syllabus of modern voter education. America (The Book) does not so much contribute as it does "add to the volume."

Amazon.com: What's the closest parallel from American history to this year's race?

Stewart: In 1898, the United States was considering liberating the democracy-hungry people of Cuba from the clutches of the Spanish Empire. Though most Americans opposed invading Cuba, public opinion swayed when sensationalist news outlets reported that the U.S. battleship Maine was sunk by mysterious Spanish saboteurs, quickly dubbed "War-hombres de Mucho Destrucci�n." In truth, the sinking of the Maine likely resulted from some kind of accident in the ship's gunpowder magazine or cigarette lounge, and the so-called "WMDs" probably never existed. That didn't stop President McKinley from asking Congress to declare war on Spain and its mustachioed king, Alfonso "Saddam" XIII. Spain was promptly defeated, setting the stage for the election of 1900. Though the Republican McKinley was criticized for transforming the United States into an imperial power, he won back the voters when he donned an engineer's uniform and was catapulted onto a moving locomotive, with a banner reading, "Task Achieved!"

Amazon.com: What is the most important lesson from President Bush's term so far?

Stewart: It is impossible to narrow down the lessons we've learned from the first term of President George W. Bush. Among them: A strong America requires strong leadership; America is a great country with a steely resolve; we are a good and caring and compassionate nation; Americans are a freedom-loving people; reforms for education and Medicare are on the way; the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein; and--perhaps most importantly--marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman. Then again, we might just be repeating things we may have heard once or twice in speeches.

Amazon.com: What would a Kerry administration mean?

Stewart: JOHN KERRY PLANS TO RAISE TAXES ON OUR TROOPS IN ORDER TO SUBSIDIZE FREE, GAY HEALTH CARE FOR TRIAL LAWYERS AND TERRORISTS.... THEN ABRUPTLY SWITCH TO THE OPPOSITE COURSE.